February 27, 2020
The Warrior Mentality When Dealing With Breakups – Jocko Willink

The Warrior Mentality When Dealing With Breakups – Jocko Willink


I have a question about the warrior
mentality I recently was dumped on a deployment and it’s difficult now that I
am home stateside how does a warrior handle this
is it like any other emotional loss I’m trying to use this loss and get after it
and improve myself mentally and physically I’m not sure how to properly
submit questions to the podcast all right so the Dear John letter the old
classic Dear John letter and so you know agree sometimes you can keep it at bay
when you’re deployed but then when you get home and you get back to the places
the familiar places where you have the met specific memories that’s that’s
where the pain start to come in and that’s fine you know that’s that hurts
that’s we get that but in my opinion I’ve said this before the person that
you built in your mind the person that you had a relationship with that you
built in your mind that person doesn’t actually exist they’re not real they’re
not real she wasn’t who she appeared to be and she isn’t who she appeared to be
she isn’t the sweet understanding fun person that you cared so much about
that’s not her that’s your memory that’s what you built in your head she is
actually the selfish self-centered person that cares about herself first
and doesn’t care about you that’s the reality and that’s fine but a lot of
times the pain that we feel isn’t based on the reality it’s based on the fantasy
so you’re feeling pain of losing something that wasn’t real so let the
fantasy go remember that she is not the perfect person that you built in your
mind period she’s not otherwise we wouldn’t be in this situation right now
and then move on brother get after it work out train hard go to jujitsu hike
run of play guitar just get after it and those things not only gonna distract
from the pain which is good they’re gonna improve you as a human being which
is good and they’re to rebuild your confidence which is good they’re gonna
make you feel good they’re gonna make you stronger and smarter and better and
put you into a place where you don’t need that little made-up fantasy anymore
and they’re gonna put you in a place we’re gonna find something badder than
the fantasy now I’m gonna tell you right now the fantasies don’t exist the
perfect girl or guy for you doesn’t exist
they don’t exist so you’re gonna be out looking for someone that’s good but
you’re not gonna find perfect don’t get obsessed with finding perfect if you
find someone that’s perfect it’s not true everyone’s got their flaws so
that’s what you have to do and you will end up finding someone that’s real and I
get it man I know you’re gonna have some moments down in the hole as Alison
chains put it or trapped in the heart-shaped box as Nirvana put it or so
lonesome you could cry as Hank Williams senior put it is that you notice a theme
here this is what people go through but those feelings of they’re temporary so
let them say hi let them hang around for a minute or for half an hour or an hour
or whatever and then kick them out kick those feelings out get them out of there
and go do something else take your mind away from those memories
of fantasies and put build some good memories that are real then yeah you
know what you can use your anger and your frustration to fuel positivity for
sure I spent much of my youth doing that very thing for sure all those breakups
yeah I turned those things into in the fuel
and the other thing I’m gonna use if if you take action with your body your
minds gonna follow and pretty soon you’ll be on to the next chapter and you
can move beyond this bad fantasy chapter that you kind of got roped into girls
man I can teach you every time if you let him it’s so hard to I’m with there’s
so many times you know because when I was a assistant platoon commander
platoon commander at asking the commander what I was doing right but
more in the earlier phases right because once I was you know what to ask you to
commander I was dealing with a lot less those those problems that would come to
me on a relationship level would be something big you know divorce custody
of children yeah some kind of domestic violence scenario like real things but
when I was younger and I was in a seal platoon that’s when you’re dealing with
guys going through the breakup with the girl and that you know the method
messing with my head yeah it’s messing with my head man yeah of course
every guy goes through that me you ever that’s the way it is you get that weird
thing kicking around in there and you start getting crazy and what’s so funny
is what’s so funny is when you’re on the outside of it it’s so like when you’re
in the heart-shaped box yourself and you just can’t see anything else it’s just
devastating and everyone that’s looking at you is like bro let’s just go to the
bargain night you meet 17 new girls tonight
yeah but I fight back no it’s not I remember I kind of had a this is kind of
evil but I had a kind of a standard response to guys when they’d say you
know hey you know I broke up with Jennifer last night I made sweet man
let’s let’s roll I would always and I even carried that
honestly this is like not something I don’t think I do anymore but even when
guys who would be like came in me and Jennifer getting divorced I back oh
right on bro that’s let’s rock and roll you know I kind of and part of it was
just to kind of spin it like guys man it’s not that you need to you know you
don’t just wallow in it right you’re getting divorced okay here’s what you
needed to do here’s how you maneuver but you know what are you gonna do you’re
gonna get dragged down by that into that mire or you’re gonna you know salvage
what you can of your life and let’s move on let’s rock and roll
yeah so that’s again it might be a little harsh I don’t know that I would
still have that react maybe with maybe fall still in the Jews you know and most
and 99 I had one guy that that that in I probably said that too we have a high
divorce rate in the single team so yeah ii 85 90 percent divorce rate so I’ve
said this to quite a few individuals over there I only had one that ever kind
of you know was was like no man you don’t get it and then I said no I said
you get it mmm you don’t get it yeah and it always is a little rougher
when there’s kids involved and all that so that would put another little
horrible spin on it but the bottom line is that is a good attitude to have
hey broke up with my girl right on I’m glad I got out of this relationship
before it developed into something where I did have hooks in me financial hooks
children yeah all those things I made it out scot-free you know I’m getting
divorced oh you have any kids no okay rock and
roll yeah you got kids okay well how’s it gonna go you know what are you put in
line yeah you know so yeah definitely hard here’s the question have you ever
gotten your heart broken a negative you haven’t straight-up even
of course I I was I was a boy boys get their heart broken
win-win tell me you know 10 11 I’m 21 ish time cuz you know when you’re 10
it’s like okay 15 14 17 13 I mean I think once I was obscene once I was in
the SEAL Teams that kind of had that coping mechanism yeah yeah gotta be hard
yeah and the girls are like mmm yeah you know you gotta you gotta just kind of but the other young that’s you know the
younger days for sure every guy goes through that and that’s what that’s
what’s hard and you know what I’m saying guys specifically but the girls are the
same way both guys and girls go through these two horrible breakups when you and
and and this is the other thing that we got to realize as parents when you’re 16
years old we you know I look at my 15 16 17 year
old daughters right as they were growing up
and and I think oh they got a boyfriend whatever he’ll be this guy is
meaningless in their lives i factually know that these guys are meaningless in
terms of the broad spectrum of their life yeah but guess what when you’re 15
years old and you got a boyfriend that is your whole life yeah and so when
something goes sideways I had to say oh I had to remember that myself when I saw
my daughter’s distraught over something I’d say okay here’s what’s going on this
is her whole life and I tried to explain to him this guy I understand that you
like him and then he was good and blah blah blah but you know let’s remember
you’re only 15 and there you know you’re gonna meet another nice guy and other
there’ll be other opportunities and blah blah blah but the of course it barely
barely gets through to their head yeah belief they can’t even imagine and no
certain is different I know because he’s the best no and so yeah yeah you’re
you’re on that question restriction from now on no bail I wanted her to know I
think we all wanted to know

100 thoughts on “The Warrior Mentality When Dealing With Breakups – Jocko Willink

  1. Just started working out for the first time shedding off the fat and getting stronger every week is making me feel more like a beast that has confidence and doesn't take anything I don't want. Your mentality is what every guy needs and it's what I'm gaining. Thanks man. Getting over the fantasy of her is becoming easier. Get some.

  2. If you really love or loved someone…that is good and 100% healthy and OK. That's GOOD!! If the person who you loved and cared about and for so deeply but that person chose to leave you for someone else…they screwed up horribly bad. They let you down completely. They were WRONG to treat you that way at all. NO you did NOT DESERVE to be treated this way. Even though it happened. That person…if it is ever meant to be again will change their mind and choose to be yours. If not, then it is that person's fucking loss. NOT yours!!! Forgive yourself and forgive that person. Move on, do things that help YOU to feel better. Don't harshly judge yourself for how you feel. It does HATEFULLY SUCK to be betrayed!!! Especially by someone who you loved believed in and trusted. Knowing that other person broke your trust FUCKING SUCKS!!! Unfortunately they did let you down. That was 100% their fault for deceiving you and mistreating you. Their behavior is and was unacceptable and wrong. Do things to help you feel better and happier. It's ABSOLUTELY 100% well worth doing and you won't regret it!

  3. 20 year marriage ended 7 months ago. This is absolutely the TRUTH! Make the best individual in yourself as possible. Only you are responsible for your happiness. God bless!

  4. I dealt with an awful, awful breakup a year ago today, and I've been made better for it. I thought I was going to marry her because the relationship seemed absolutely perfect in every regard, but that obviously wasn't true. I worked out more. I picked my guitar back up. I read more books. I started writing more. I started learning more coding and I'm working on getting a software job right now. Now that I'm almost 25 and haven't dated anyone in a year, it's kinda hard for me to want to get into a serious relationship. I like working on my own schedule and having my own bed.

    At the moment, my friends and I are trying to get one of our closest friends out of a relationship that he's been in for 4 years and didn't want to be in to begin with. He just doesn't know how to say no, but we've made enough progress to get his fiance to cancel their original wedding date and now they don't have one.

  5. As when I was in 101st. Just move on. I felt more pain by losing men that were in my platoon then I did losing the girl. Jocko is right. However coping mechanisms are important. I had friends and family that knew and cared about me. A lot don't. I feel more free being single now more than ever. But if I found a girl I'm all about it. I have had fun but I don't feel like something is missing because I am not in a relationship.

  6. Assuming someone is selfish simply because they don't want to be with you is ignorant and weak. My first couple of rejections felt like bullets, they hurt so badly, but now I'm grateful to the people who've rejected me, because they saw we were incompatible before I did, and they had the grace to get out of my life when they knew they couldn't give me what I deserved. She set this guy free – that's not selfish. It would've been much more selfish of her to keep him tethered to her when her heart wasn't in it.

  7. Well, both ways pal!! Haha!! You are so right, it takes so much to learn about this, our greatest learning experience, aging. It’s learning to love and appreciate time alone, to grow, experience in the world, & not depending on others. I’ve realized, and I’m not knocking y’all down, but men. The lessons I’ve learned from my brothers. Women can be so cruel. Yet, men can become abusive, words or actions. Simply, learn to love yourself first .

  8. Oorah! I've been divorced 2x. Both times my friends or co- workers had no idea that I was going through it. No biggy. More pretty girls than one.

  9. When you are anxiously engaged in a good cause, your personal affairs become easier to handle. They become blessings or lessons which in turn is a blessing in the long run. Exactly like Jocko says, that person doesn't exist anymore. It was all just a dream of who that person used to be. They are no longer that person. And if she wanted to leave because she couldn't wait long enough while you were off at war fighting for your country, then she would've left you after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids which would be so much more of a disaster. It's a great thing that your relationship happened. It tells you that you are able to live, love and enjoy life. But the warrior in you knows that in order for you to experience something greater, you must know what it is like to lose something so great to begin with. There is an old Tongan Warrior proverb which says "You will never obtain life's pearls unless you first venture into the dangers of the deep." Go get your pearl my friend.

  10. When you said play guitar I was like hell yeah!

    I stopped playing so much after meeting my son's mom. She ultimately ended up being a monkey branching whore, so I'm here

  11. Was just going through a really bad breakup and Jocko came on time.Thank you for the great advice..Love from Egypt♥️🔥

  12. Your girl leaves you. Bang her friend and tell her and move on. It was good seeing her cry and hear how she felt betrayed by her friend after i told her what we did

  13. It’s funny how the military shapes us to fill a need then dumps us with no regard. People, even my family, laugh at me when I tell them about how PTSD is real and it’s not like flipping a switch. Fuck relationships guys they don’t matter, take care of yourself. Women just want a free ride

  14. We aren’t perfect.
    How many one year deployments
    How many six month deployments
    How many three months training trips
    How many training cycles

    do we have to go through alone?
    My dad was gone for a total of six years of my life.
    That’s six years I’ll never get back. He’ll never get back. He’ll never be able to send me off to my first winter formal.
    He’ll never be able to take me to get my drivers permit. He’ll never be able to tell me about why my first BF was stupid.
    Two sides to every coin, gentleman.

  15. I think this idea that someone is no longer sweet, fun, or understanding because they dumped you is fucking weak bullshit. Getting dumped is brutal but you don't have to resent them to get over them. Sometimes breaking someone's heart is the right and courageous thing to do. And we all fucking know it.
    It's okay to love someone that doesn't love you back.
    Endure the pain, know it is only temporary, and move on. Reflect on your relationship and learn from your mistakes. Figure out what you want from life and go after it with everything you got.

  16. "If you die without having enemies, you have not lived right." – FiciousCritik

    “be of good cheer I have overcome the world.” – Jesus; John 16:33

  17. What jocko is saying about her fantasy, is so true. She was a selfish self centered person. When most people say they’re in “love” in a, say; 3 year relationship, they don’t love the other person truly, it’s selfish. That person makes you feel a certain way and that’s why you “love” them. True love comes after years and years of hard work, I’m talking like 20-30 years plus. So truly, she didn’t love you, she loved herself. And it’s not possible that she did, if you guys dated for just 3 years. So anyone reading this, I hope I was able to help if you’re going through something right now. And I knkw you probably don’t want to hear this but there is someone else for you out there

  18. reminds me of something i read days ago from a vastly different source:
    Putin of russia fame had been betrayed by "friends" at one point
    on an interview, when was asked about that; his answer: "i have never been betrayed by my friends"
    back to the person who wrote this letter/question: be glad it did not go any further; imagine if you had gone all the way, married her, etc.
    you dodged a nuclear cannonball. "good!"

  19. Hey guys. It hurts. Big time. There are great girls out there. I found one. We have been married 33 years. My first wife has been married 3xs since me. Treat them like gold. They are a gift. Hold on. A great girl is just waiting for a great guy. It will happen.

  20. The irony of dating is the less you feel anything when they leave the less often you will experience a woman leaving. Radical non neediness is the single lot attractive trait a man can posess

  21. If you chase women, you'll run out of money. If you chase money, you'll never run out of women. And always remember, the "y" in your girl is silent.

  22. Yeah you get it on it's hot and heavy then it's over . Now that it's over you have more time to feel sorry for yourself.

  23. I know it's possible but from someone who was once stuck over someone too good for them, I can tell it takes a LOT to convince yourself you're going to get something, someone, or somewhere better when you've once had an A+ tier girl in your life. Pretty girls are a curse, man. Face of an angel, body of a succubus, and a personality like you've never seen before. Someone you desire from head to toe and on the inside. It can be difficult to get over especially if the problem is you and like every girl that comes after just can't compare.

  24. I’ve never been bothered by breakups; whether it’s someone i was with for 3.5 years, or 3 months. Wanna break up? Alrighty, have a nice life.

  25. Disappointments happen in every section of life. No escaping it, it happens.

    Self-pity accomplishes nothing. And it's a waste of time, cuz there is too much stuff to do, too many worthwhile things to do and to learn.

    "No time for self-pity, too busy living life."

  26. Been single for 5yrs, casual sex gets boring after awhile. Just want to meet a decent chick worth keeping. There sure getting hard to find these days.

  27. the girl who i thought was perfect & who i built up in my mind turned out to be kind of crazy. she did me a favor by breaking up with me. i met my now wife shortly there after. my wife just happens to have the same name of my exe. God has a funny sense of humor since i often prayed that "Mary would be the one" haha little did I know that 10 years & 3 babies later, that turned out to be true.

    It Will Get Better. Cry, Yell, rub one out, Get up, Get out. Go live your life.

  28. 15 years and getting divorced. Been going crazy then god sends you guys and gals. Also sent jocko .I'm going to keep the faith I'm 45 years old and a cancer survivor.. god bless everyone and be safe.

  29. I broke up with my gf for 10months but i was serious for a long temr relationship. I dumped her but the reason for that was her, she ignores me and never gives me a date or meet up or whatever. No communication like in an instant. She suddenly got cold, i cant take it so i ended it all but i cant move on until after 4 months….. Damn!!!!

  30. Almost a year on from the end of my relationship. A relationship that spanned almost 5 years. It ended, she moved on in the space of a few months, I was in a depressive state for 8 months. I did everything for that human being. Endured emotional abuse and manipulation, I stayed because I thought I could "fix her", I had no chance.

    After being borderline suicidal, unable to operate in my job, lost a dangerous amount of weight, watching constant videos on how to move on from a relationship/deal with breakups.
    I decided that I was going to focus on me.

    I exercised, read more, socialised, started a journal and worked on my mental health (even did a presentation on mental health and the growth mindset).
    Got a new job in a global company and I feel great. I do have my moments (Valentines day is coming up, seeing couples), but I am much better off.

    I had had to take control of my life and get out of my own way. I was no longer going to be a co star in my life, I was the star, writer and director. Life gets better eventually trust me on this.

  31. You sure about this, Jocko? “If she left, she was selfish and didn’t care about you?”

    There’s no space for nuance here…

    Seems to me you’re not taking ownership of the situation. What if you actually made mistakes and need to change some of your thoughts, approaches and behaviors when it comes to relationships or women?

  32. Not gonna lie. ….. But from now on…..
    I will fuckin stay away from girls….

    They do false promises and ignite false hopes and dreams in guy's heart and brain……
    Only the love of parents towards child and love of child for parents is true and pure

  33. Ppl wear mask, they pretend to be someone that they're not and can only hold up that image so long before the paint starts to chip and slowly but surely you'll see what's really underneath, some of us just are who we are, know who we are and its take it or leave it, others want to present a false image so ppl accept them. Once ppl figure out oh shit the game is up they no longer want to keep playing the game and that's when stupid shit happens and break ups happen, just accept it and move on, you become cold to it and I've just gotten to the point I can forget someone literally overnight. My grandma told me when I was little never cry over spilled milk, never cry over someone who isn't crying over you.

  34. I mean if ur going into a war zone for an extended period of time I don’t think u should be dating someone unless they absolutely agree with u staying in a war zone

  35. I went through 3 years of hell, lying cheating affairs, everything after being with my wife since 2007. Let it go. I finally realized I can be stronger without it, I survived for that long in that hell and torturing myself, but I can be happy again and I can reach new heights. And I have since then. Focus on yourself. Be better. Don't jump into something else right away.

  36. My long-distance girlfriend blocked me over a week ago. I was sad and moppy blah blah. Jocko is right. It's just a fantasy. So I'm going to get out there, learn martial arts, hit the firing range, learn a new language, make money. Fuck yeah let's Fucking do this!! I'm fucking motivated

  37. Jacko I developed this same mentality on my own about half a year back and hearing you have the literally same exact conclusion is very reassuring that I'm on the right track. Recently discovered you bro, congrats you instantly gained a new fan. Excited to see what you bring in the future brother <3

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